By Colter Hettich, Features Editor

“If you can’t say something nice, then don’t say anything at all.” Nancy Pelosi clearly disagrees, and she couldn’t have proved it at a worse moment. Credit markets continue to fall. Investor confidence is lower than the national limbo champion. God bless Warren Buffet, even though his $5 billion dollar injection into Goldman Sachs and $3 billion investment in General Electric hasn’t proved much except that he should have a diamond-studded “The Snowball” hanging from his neck.

In the face of this conservatively dubbed “economic crisis,” the only entity with enough cash to bail us out now is the Federal Reserve. Everyone knows it, and that’s why a $700 billion, bailout bill was written and couriered to the House of Representatives.

The Speaker of the House and second in line to the presidency after Vice President Dick Cheney was granted 90 seconds to speak her mind. Illinois Republican Gerald Weller missed the historic vote due to a “family matter,” according to a two-sentence statement. Time waits for no woman or man. The other 443 reps listened closely to Pelosi as they warmed up their voting hand.

She got their attention.

“Democrats believe in a free market. We know that it can create jobs, it can create wealth… But in this case, in its unbridled form as encouraged, supported by the Republicans-some in the Republican Party, not all-it has created not jobs, not capital, it has created chaos,” Pelosi said.

This is why no tomatoes are allowed in the House because, rest assured, Pelosi would have sustained significant bruises. Never underestimate the aim of righthanded Republicans.

But she didn’t stop there. In conclusion, Pelosi added this bit of Democrat cayenne to an already boiling Republican stew.

“I know that we will be able to live up to our side of the bargain. I hope the Republicans will, too,” she said.

The bill failed to pass, 228-205. 133 of the 228 wear a Republican nametag. It did not take long for a handful of Republicans to blame Pelosi’s partisan speech for the bill’s failure. Oh please.

I haven’t seen anything that melodramatic since the last episode of I Love New York. I don’t care if Pelosi blamed the Republican Party for global warming or the extinction of Dodos.

So what should America learn from this episode? If you can’t say something nice, do not ask Pelosi to speak for you.

E-mail Hettich at jmcnetwork@acu.edu