By Brian English, Staff Writer
While cake flavor, type of flowers and wedding venue are all considerations that surround the planning of a wedding, the question that should precede the planning is: Are you marrying the right person?
While this question requires much soul searching and true self-discovery, several tools are available to help aid in this discovery, some of which can be found on campus.
Mark Lewis, assistant dean for Spiritual Life and Chapel Programs, has a master’s degree in marriage and family therapy, and offered advice about discovering if the person you are marrying is right for you.
“Make sure it’s someone you love being with, someone who you want to talk to about everything, someone who makes you laugh, think, dream, someone who listens to you and is completely devoted to your well-being,” Lewis said.
He recently gave away his daughter at the wedding altar.
“When Casey and Mason decided they wanted to get married, we talked about the importance of love and commitment in their relationship,” he said. “Love is an emotion; commitment is a state of mind.”
The University Counseling Center, located in the basement floor of McKinzie Hall, offers relationship and premarital counseling for students.
“Marriage is one of the most, if not the most important decision, in a person’s life,” said Steve Rowlands, director of the University Counseling Center. “A couple should go slow and take time to ask questions, get to know each other, get to know their families and, importantly, get to know themselves.”
The University Counseling Center has four trained and licensed counselors available to student couples that are questioning marriage or already are engaged.
“Premarital and relationship counseling sessions are a way to enhance a relationship and can be a vital preventative tool for couples,” Rowlands said. “The importance of premarital counseling and its use in our society is even recognized by the state. If a couple does a certain amount of counseling with a licensed counselor, the state will give a discount on the marriage license.”
Another location on campus available for students to receive information and help is the Marriage and Family Institute located on the second floor of the Biblical Studies Building.
“We have encouraged couples thinking about engagement and couples already engaged to talk with us regarding their possible future and any questions they might have,” said Dr. Jackie Halstead, chair of marriage and family therapy.
Among the different questions that can be discussed with the institute, the question of whether or not a person is the right one is common.
“It is a very healthy and normal question for individuals or couples to ask,” Halstead said. “And we do our best to provide resources to help answer that important question.”
Aside from talking with trained counselors, another resource offered to questioning couples is a test called the Prepare/Enrich assessment test. The Prepare/Enrich test is taken by both individuals in the relationship and involves a series of questions regarding each individual and the relationship. It is used by both the University Counseling Center and the Marriage and Family Institute.
After completion, the test is sent to a company, which compiles the answers received and puts the couple in various categories based on the responses given. The test is an assessment and looks at each individual’s strengths and weaknesses in relationship-related areas.
“The Prepare/Enrich test is based on various factors that determine the type of relationship you have, whether it be healthy, conflictual, etc.,” Halstead said.
If a couple is uneasy with going to counseling sources to discover the answers to the many questions involving whether or not their significant other is right for them, other resources are available. For instance, the Prepare/Enrich test can be found in an online format at www.Prepare-Enrich.com.
The Web site has various topics and resources available to visitors. Training sessions, programs and a variety of books that explore different marital topics are accessible to couples looking for “premarital preparation and marriage enrichment,” according to www.Prepare-enrich.com.
The Web site is run by Life Innovations Inc., and was created by Dr. David Olsen.
Some individuals and couples may ponder whether premarital counseling is necessary or essential to the process of discovering whether or not marriage is the next logical step, or even if the two individuals are truly right for each other.
“We encourage that couples seek our help and use preventative counseling methods before marriage to better learn about one another, discover and strengthen the bond of the relationship,” Halstead said.
By using such counseling methods and resources, a couple can open up about their inner feelings and discover how compatible they truly are. Using such methods to discover if the significant other is the right person to marry also can illuminate the various strengths and weaknesses found in a relationship.
“Our parents and minister both pushed the idea of premarital counseling and programs to help us grow together within our relationship,” said Derrick Lott, former Hardin-Simmons University student who now lives in Dallas.
Lott and his fiancé Nicole both took the Prepare/Enrich assessment test after discussing premarital counseling with their minister, Pastor Rick Daniels, who plans to marry them in the fall.
“We took the test and didn’t get the best result possible, but also not the worst category available,” Lott said. “The test showed our strengths and weaknesses weren’t always the same, but it gave us something to look at and take with us to improve our relationship and make it stronger in the areas that were vulnerable.”
Taking the assessment test and having discussions with premarital counselors proved positive in helping Lott and his fiancé answer whether they were right for each other. While the test did give some negative feedback about their relationship, that feedback presented ways to better improve and strengthen their relationship.
Taking premarital counseling and tests can help answer whether or not you are marrying the right person and provide ways for a couple to improve and enhance their relationship. It also can prepare the couple for a strong and enriched marriage.
“Premarital counseling is a great tool to help individuals and couples create a strong bond that will last through trying situations,” Halstead said. “Those who do six to eight sessions of premarital counseling with a trained therapist tend to have a higher marital success rate.”
Premarital counseling is not just about discovering whether or not the choice to marry your significant other is right, but also how to make the marriage function properly, efficiently and endure, for better or worse.
