The hardest part about my job as managing editor is writing headlines. Well, that and making sure all my minions get their stories in on time. Designing pages is difficult as well. So is ping-pong.
But headlines are the worst. They never fit. The best trick is finding words that are very short but carry a lot of meaning. Sometimes I get so frustrated that I just start yelling in the newsroom.
Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to my second column, which, as promised, deals with long words.
Exclusive is a big, fancy word. It carries a lot of meaning, like an enormous proverbial wheelbarrow. I used this word in my last column. Stop reading this now and go read that one before continuing with this or forever hold your piece of cake. (Shouldn’t that be the real phrase? That’d be more of a punishment than being silent. Have you ever tried to hold a piece of cake while you’re sleeping?)
If you really stopped as soon as I said stop reading this now, you wouldn’t know what I wanted you to do. But you didn’t listen to me did you? What are you, my ex-girlfriend?
I’m going to write about that for my next column. Not the issue of people listening to me, but girlfriends in general.
Back to long words. Ever notice how the longer the word, the more impressed you are with the author’s intelligence? Or is that just me?
When people use big words, sometimes I am unable to comprehend the meaning of the communicator’s reasoning. I hate asking, “What does that word mean?”
I live in Virginia. I always told people “I’m from Virginia,” but I learned exactly why I never phrased it, “I’m a Virginian.”
Virginian is kind of a longish word, but that chick was definitely not impressed with my intelligence when I said it.
Sometimes shorter words are impressive too. My professor just used the word “conduit” nonchalantly. I looked it up online instead of stalling class to ask him to explain himself.
I still don’t really know what it means though.
Should I have admitted to writing this during class?
Not enough of this column is actually about long words. I’m not going back and re-writing any of it, class is almost over.
Besides, it’s my second column. Sophomore slumps are expected. I’m a sophomore by years too, so this is like double jeopardy, we’re fine. Oh wait, what is we’re fine?
That Office reference just happened.
This’ll be better next time. When I talk about girlfriends. Even though I don’t know anything about them. Maybe I’ll write about multi-tasking instead, I know a lot about that. I haven’t decided yet.
This is known in the world of mass media as a “cliffhanger.”