Steve Jobs created the iPhone. Einstein had his theory of relativity. Coke invented happiness in a bottle.

Journalists don’t usually offer new ground breaking innovation. Until now.

Well, ground breaking and innovation may be too strong of a choice for words. But I do bring something new from my line of work.

Double contractions.

As soon as I wrote that I realized that sounds like it would have to do with a pregnant woman going into labor with twins. And now that I have your attention I will explain my actual proposal.

Should’ve, he’d and wouldn’t are grammatical contractions. It’s a simplifying tool to shorten two words into one.

Why stop there?

Let’s say you are a female and you have a friend named Joe. You are talking to him about going to a concert, and he mentions that he’s going to invite a mutual friend, Bob, to go with the two of you. You may or may not have an enormous crush on Joe and are trying to get him to go with you alone because you just know he will fall in love with you. So you say, “He’dn’t want to go to a Taylor Swift concert.” Joe, impressed with your impressive use of the double contraction, agrees to go to the concert. Unfortunately he brings his girlfriend you didn’t know about. That’s awkward. Then Bob finds out about this plot against his happiness, because you both know he loves T-Swift.

The moral lesson here is don’t talk about people when they’ren’t present. The lesson influenced by innovation is the fluid usage of the double contraction.

I came up with the idea of double contractions about two years ago. But that’s all it was then, just an idea. Now is the time to distribute, infiltrate and saturate the masses for the promotion of this idea, and ultimately, my own name, a term that brings up 37 million results in a Google search. If you add in David, my middle name, to that search the results go up to 200 million, because logically that makes no sense.

You probably think I’m done with my new offerings to society. There’s no way I could talk about searching my own egotistical name on Google before finishing my latest and greatest innovation services announcement. Well, you’re mostly right, but I do have one last thing to add for the bettering of mankind’s daily life.

Elsewhere is a word. It essentially means somewhere else. Therefore, logically, elseone and elsethings should also be added to the English language.

Yeah, I’m mostly going to stand behind my double contractions idea.

That still sounds like a woman pregnant with twins going into labor.

Mark’s note: Apparently Shakespeare used double contractions almost 400 years ago, if and when he was alive. I mean, there’s a movie coming out to prove he wasn’t even a real person. So maybe I am the first real person to use double contractions, which makes me think I’m cooler than I really am. What I’m trying to say is no one uses double contractions though they should, and I hate reading Shakespeare plays. The end.