Man wasn’t made to fly. Maybe that’s why he acts so strangely at airports.

I flew home to Virginia for Thanksgiving break. As might be expected, I also flew back to Texas after Thanksgiving. I’d been on several flights, but this trip just had me asking too many questions to pass up this opportunity to reach the masses with my discoveries.

Before even entering the aircraft, people are already acting bizarre. People will literally stand around the gate for more than 20 minutes, waiting to board, before the lady with the intercom speaker deems it acceptable for them to reach their coveted seats. The crowd didn’t care they were in everyone’s way. The entire airport terminal traffic had to dodge and maneuver to pass these people who would rather stand in a slowly-converging semicircle around the gate for a long time. I sat in my seat near the gate 30 minutes longer than they did. Then, when my group was to be called next, I timed my approach so perfectly that when my group’s number was called to board I was able to use my walking momentum to beat all of these people onto the plane. Boy did they feel dumb.

I just don’t understand the desire of so many to be the first to get on the plane. You could fight your way on ahead of the rest and sit in your seat until everyone is seated and the attendants demonstrate how to buckle a seat belt (if we don’t know how to work a plane’s seat belt, how’d we get on the plane?) or you could sit in the airport in no rush and board a few minutes after most everyone else. Everyone in the plane arrives at the destination at the same time. What’s the rush?

Airlines really know how to make a select group of people feel special and the rest of passengers feel unwelcome and unwanted. First class, executive platinum, plain platinum, priority access, extra-spenders and super duper fliers were all welcomed aboard before me and the rest of the weirdos were allowed on.

On this trip I also realized just how awkward it is when the girl sitting next to you needs to use the barf bag.

Additionally, remember that when you’re eating a banana the guy in 24F can smell it even if you’re in seat 3B.

I talked to a guy about football for a few hours on my way back to Texas. Normally I would’ve loved this, but this guy was a lawyer. I didn’t get to talk very much.

I enjoy flying, I really do. It’s like the longest, most-boring roller coaster ever made. I like looking out the window, when it’s clean. When it’s not clean, though, it’s just irritating because I know I’ll never be able to convince the stewardess to clean it.

I look forward to the drink cart a little too much. Drinking a Coke from a polar bear-themed can on an airplane might be the most ridiculously exciting experience that really doesn’t sound all that cool when talking about it.

I blame it all on the altitude. Except for airport terminal nonsense. Airports are on the ground, so I really don’t know why people act weird. Maybe they all got felt up when they were going through security, too.