To the woman who tried to pickpocket me:

When I stepped on that busy metro, I’ll admit I took no notice of you. You were pretty unassuming which could’ve made you effective. And I don’t want to be too harsh or critical but you really did blow it. There are some things in life that don’t make sense: color blind fashion designers, teachers who hate children, squeamish surgeons and, of course, clumsy pickpocketers.

I don’t presume to be an expert on the ways of pickpocketing, but it seems to me one of the pretty important requirements of being a pickpocket is dexterity with a large dose of sneakiness. You might need to work on that. You started out well enough when you hid your hands beneath your coat- that was pretty sly- and then bumped into my purse with calculated casualness and got your hands on my wallet. That was good! Keep that up! But here’s where things went wrong: you dropped the wallet. How could you drop the wallet? If there was one thing you weren’t supposed to do, it was drop the wallet!

When I looked on the ground, my wallet was lying there. I looked at you, and you looked at me.

“You dropped that,” you said innocently, eyes wide.

I was very confused.

“Thank you?”

I’ll admit, my mind definitely could’ve processed the scenario quicker. So you’re welcome. Because if it had, you would’ve been in big trouble. You kept looking at me frantically, but by the time I fully comprehended your actions, you were by the Metro door posed to run. And when the doors opened you bolted.

Hope you’re doing well.

To the man who kicked us out of first class:

First off, I would like to begin by apologizing. I know it sounds like a convenient lie, but we honestly had no idea we were sitting in the first class car on that train. We just thought it was a really nice train that, for once, took pride in its economy class car.

Secondly, I would like to commend you on the luxurious amenities you provide for your most prized customers.  Those seats with the fancy plugs surrounding it were superb. The expansive leg room provided, convenient tables and general cleanliness were topnotch. We enjoyed ourselves immensely for the 45 minutes we managed to lounge in comfort, so thank you for that.

Finally, was it really necessary to be quite so rude about making us move? Honestly, it really wouldn’t have hurt to let us continue feeling elite. There were maybe three other passengers in that train car. But I understand why you had to. You were just doing your job. But did you have to say it like that?

“Pay or move,” you said, twice, in the most condescending Italian accent I’ve ever heard.

We were moving, sheesh.

But really, we are deeply sorry for our mistake. Ciao.