In the beginning, was the Word of God. And it was good. But not quite good enough, because ever since, we humans have been embellishing, rewriting and chopping up its contents. The result has given way to more than 50 different English versions.

Each bears distinguishing hallmarks, each aiding a different sort of Holy reader, each resembling a familiar classmate from your high school alma mater.

The Message- Gold card member at Sharper Image, always the owner of the newest inventions you never knew you needed. She was too cool for prom and instead spent the evening at a poetry slam at a hole-in-the-wall coffee bar. Avid Buzzfeed reader and talks in “wut r u up 2″ shorthand. Graduates and goes off to school in New York, changing the spelling and sounding of her name to “Miss Aje.”

King James- He was the guy referring to “coke” as “pop” and was the force behind the petition to reinstate school uniforms. Devoted volunteer at the city nursing homes and well on his way to becoming the “crazy cat guy.” It goes without saying he does a signature chalk toss upon the completion of each midterm and final.

NIV- Voted the yearbook “Best All-Around” four consecutive years. She had her hand in every club, sport, with “President” monogrammed on all sweaters. While liked by all, neither classmates nor teachers could tell you why, for she was quite plain and forgettable. Once graduation came, her name, emblazoned on trophies, certificates and newspapers became an eyesore. She goes off to the university an hour away, landing an MRS degree and reliving her glory days through her daughter who will always come up short.

NIrV- The guy who will graduate, but comes back for every homecoming and graduation. In the classroom, he received teachers’ equal wrath as pity, landing a solid C-grade throughout his high school career. He was the mastermind behind the food fight and hadn’t received the memo that rock-throwing does not translate as flirting with women past age five. He’ll wear his letter jacket the first day of college and still be throwing rocks at women outside their dorms.