I’ve felt cheated while watching the 2014 Sochi Games. I don’t remember “Olympic athlete” offered as an option on Career Day. In turn, I sit couch-sprawled and bitter at dreams never to be.
But in my brooding, I’ve thought of athletes who will also go unglorified. With the lack of electric transportation and digital eases, I have to believe the Biblical athletes had more brawn than the modern-day sportsmen characterized by steroids and scandal.
And while my eligibility for any future Olympic Games is of the lowest likelihood, I firmly believe the B.C. and A.D. era could boast of some downright ripped, holy-adorned jocks.
Job: Cross-Country Skiing
One doesn’t simply get a personalized character trait (“Heart of Job”) without some righteous perseverance. As a model of suffering, only Job would find some sick enjoyment in the nine miles of gliding and sweating. He’d win with Paul and Silas at his heels. His finish-line interview would sound something like, “The Lord gaveth endurance and the Lord taketh away energy; may the name of the Lord be praised.”
David: Skeleton
Head-first face-offs are his trademark. Whether it’s no-brake sledding at 90 mph or nine-foot giants, the guy has a death wish.
Jonah: Luge
On the other hand, Jonah’s personal safety is everything, leading to a preference for feet-first competition. Plus, the guy is used to cramped spaces and trying to flee quickly.
Esther: Ski-Jumping
For the first time the Sochi Games are welcoming females to the ski-jumping ring. I believe Esther would have sped up the women’s movement by thousands of years had she been around to have a say. The sport asks contestants to launch themselves downhill in an attempt to jump the length of a football field in the name of athletics. Queen E is a fan of leaps of faith.
Samson: Curling
For a weight-room regular, Samson is tailor-made for a sport involving arm-using and stone-moving. On the sidelines, Delilah would scoff at the “Curls for girls” chants. The ability to take down a temple more than qualifies the muscled, mop-of-hair of a man.
Father Abraham and his many sons: Bobsled
No specific traits of this procreative pro and his heirs make them ideal for this sport, except the means to pluck and place sons as he’d see fit. Roster options overfloweth. “Isaac, you dead, mon?”
The 12 Disciples: Ice hockey
“The Disciples” is unparalleled for a team name destined for gold. There has to be some justified, pent-up anger from years of persecution. And nothing says “Miracle” like the real ones.
Zacchaeus: Alpine Skiing
Physical attributes make it impossible to not elect “the wee little man” for an event that favors those unmoved by mental hurdles measuring 3,000-vertical feet.
John the Baptist: Snowboarding
The present-day prophet prototype would undoubtedly call Colorado “home,” donning a dreaded mane. This year, snowboard’s king, Shaun White, dropped participation to focus on one event, but mostly because he couldn’t handle the freeze. But J.B. has gall, especially when facing dangers of decapitating-caliber.
Adam and Eve: Figure Skating
The couple gets a thrill out of bending the rules, making it plausible that they’d find equal enjoyment in the bending of limbs. Also, their nakedness comfort levels would coincide with the modern uniform. Mary and Joseph would give them a run for gold, because between divine favoring and the knack for crazy stunts (like immaculate conception), hoisting a human and attempting a back-flip, 360, triple-lutz is child’s play.
