So if you want to read something clever or academically engaging, you won’t like what I have to say. However, if you’re dying to hear someone you probably don’t know talk about nothing, then stick around.

Each time my column comes around, I debate for hours on what to write about, as if it really matters, until I finally choose one of my first initial thoughts. Today, I’m just going to reach a sufficient word count by ranting about random thoughts that, in turn, you can use to spark conversations with your friends.

With that being said, why does no one ever talk about the seven-mile spanking machine from SpongeBob SquarePants?

You know which episode I’m talking about. The one where he shatters his butt bone and refuses to go outside and becomes friends with a chip, a napkin and a penny? If you don’t remember that then sorry you’re sitting quietly while your friends are laughing at the thought of it.

On the topic of cartoons, was I the only one who was freaked out by Courage the Cowardly Dog? That show was so trippy.

I didn’t watch it habitually, but I recall one episode that really freaked me out as a kid. This episode introduced us to Muriel’s nephew who was a creepy blonde barber with a permanent disturbing grin on his face. He spoke with this deep, drawn out slur and constantly said the word “naughty.”

Do yourself a favor and look up pictures just to reminisce about one of the most psychologically scaring cartoons of our childhood.

I suppose this column has now turned into cartoon nostalgia, so my third thought is just how incredibly rad Scooby-Doo was. I don’t care who you are, there’s no denying the perfect Saturday morning involved solving mysteries with the gang.

If you missed the bandwagon, I am truly sorry because your childhood was lame. I know what you’re thinking, and the answer is yes, I did have three Scooby-Doo-themed birthday parties. In addition, I’d like to publicly announce my disgust with these new-age wannabe Scooby Doo cartoons. What an insult to the retro memory of Scooby and the Gang.

Jinkies, I’ve reached my 350-word count and with no help from you meddling kids and you’re dumb dog.