By Denton Josey, Features Editor

Nothing ruins a good day for me faster than a baby.

I’m terrified of them. Is there a phobia for that?

Turns out there is. Paedophobia. Splendid-this means I’m not alone.

For real, the entire process involved with babies is rather bizarre, if you really think about it. But I try not to. What I’m talking about is once they get here.

Recently, a friend told me quite earnestly how he would rather mutilate himself than have a baby. Now, while I see that as a bit extreme, I can most certainly understand the sentiment.

It seems babies don’t bring a lot to the table. A short list of baby abilities includes making bad smells, throwing up and making loud noises. Not a lot of marketability there. Basically, I love babies like PETA loves Michael Vick; it just isn’t happening. The chances are greater that Lindsay Lohan will become a DARE spokesperson than anyone seeing me hold a baby.

Now, while it’s a scientific fact that babies are the No. 1 cause for global warming, there are more subtle ways in which infants mess with the world’s balance, more personal things-awkward things.

Because babies run rampant in society-they have no checks and balances like the rest of us-the stage is constantly set for uncomfortable situations. For instance, the classic “Are you pregnant?” question to a non-pregnant woman is horrible and beyond redemption, but what about sitting next to a mother who, because the baby is hungry, nurses in public?

It’s situations like that which necessitate a solution.

This is my proposal: If babies weren’t allowed in public it would be a great deal. Just make them stay at home until, oh, maybe when they are no longer mostly cartilaginous. Because when infants are taken into the world before they can fend for themselves it is downright dangerous.

At a concert recently, there was a mother with a newborn, all inactive and helpless like babies are. That baby came so close to getting hit by concert-goers and swinging doors, not to mention the hearing damage that probably took place. That’s why babies should be on house arrest for at least a year. They are simply way too fragile. That “soft spot” is creepy-I’ve never seen a baby wearing a helmet despite the obvious need. Plus, holding them requires a gymnast’s balance, especially while going up or down stairs or when they develop the useless but dangerous ability to wiggle.

This is why I’ve developed a personal plan. Basically, I attempt to keep an ocean’s distance between me and any girl I might find myself attracted to. I realize some people may ask, “Wait, I thought he was talking about babies, what’s this girl stuff?” Well, comrades, I did some research and, historically, girls are always having babies. It’s just what they do. I don’t know why, I don’t know how, but they do.

Also, I’m thinking about reverting to some old habits I had as a kid to be proactive and not just on the defense. Back when I played little league I was pretty small and my hat didn’t fit, even on the smallest setting. So I had to staple it together. I also wore some very conspicuous goggles. Yeah, goggles and clothing that is stapled together discourages a lot of interaction
with the females-it sure did in fifth grade.

When it comes down to it, babies are probably crucial for survival and all that-but it doesn’t mean I have to like them.