It’s almost time to pick a GOP nominee. Primetime commercial slots are slowly filling up with political ads, politicians are scurrying around the country to participate in debates and newspapers are chock full of political stories.

Keeping up with this mess can be a full-time job. But, lucky for you, none of that has to affect the way you vote. The only criteria you should use to decide whom to support during election season is the coif, the clothing and the charisma.

The Coif

Great hair is one of the main indicators of a dedicated public servant and a true American. The more time a person spends working toward a better America the thicker and more luxurious their hair becomes. This is why Donald Trump dropped out.

If you are only able to put five minutes into your search for the right candidate look at their hair. If you can spare another 10, here are some more tips.

The Clothing

Everybody knows the old proverb, “Teach a man to stock a tie rack, and he will never make a bad domestic policy decision.”

The ability of a leader to dress powerfully is essential to her success as leader of the free world. Not only does a president need to be intelligent, trustworthy and dedicated, he must also have an eye for fashion. Presidents need make tough decisions under pressure, like pick out a matching tie-shirt-sock combo.

The Charisma

Andrew Jackson was the first politician to harness the forces of charisma to bypass his constituents’ common sense and wipe his slobbery mouth on some poor child’s forehead; the American tradition of baby kissing was born. You may ask, “are you talking about the seventh President of the United States who looked like Dracula’s grandfather?” Yes, I am. Charisma and good looks don’t always come as a set.

Almost 200 years later the only thing that can separate parents and their babies is a well-seasoned politician. Parents go to great lengths to keep their children away from germs, risks and strangers, but when they get around politicians the babies just fly out of their arms.

This man has shaken every hand, hugged every old woman and absorbed the spittle of every person in that autograph line. Who knows what skin disease or flavor of the flu he is carrying.

This ability to silently persuade people to willingly act against their better judgment is the most important quality a president can possess. It gets things done.

Someday we will find a president who can walk into North Korea with only a smile and out with all of Kim Jong-il’s enriched uranium – and grandchildren.

So, don’t spend time listening to the all their talk or political rubbish, their dress and ability to charm are what really matter.