America is getting boring. All we talk about is the national debt, unemployment and a shortage of good presidential candidates. The whole nation is my grandparents. But it doesn’t have to be this way. All we need is a promise and some scientists. It worked in the 60s.

The remedy to this national funk is a good national hero. A tickertape parade caliber hero. A hero like that is created when a guy gets into a state-of-the-art machine built buy the company who gave the lowest bid on a government contract and orbits the Earth.

When’s the last time Manhattan saw a good tickertape parade? Well, It was actually in 2010 when the New York Giants won the Super Bowl. But I’m talking about a real national hero, which the Giants are not.

I want a parade where everyone leaves work to throw confetti, scream and get pickpocketed on the streets of Manhattan in honor of group of people who did something amazing with an American flag on their sleeve. As of July 2011 there are 311,591,917 people in this country, surely a few of them are heroworthy.

The 60s saw the great American heroes. It was the space age. At the heels of Russia, America was pushing the boundaries of the known world. Our president promised us space, and a bunch of scientists in Florida delivered. When John Glenn orbited the Earth three times on Feb. 20, 1962 in Friendship 7, we decided we had passed the cosmonauts and were winning the space race. A few years later we were large stepping across the Moon for mankind.

That’s great and everything, but it was 50 years ago. I wasn’t there, so I won’t be able to tell my grandkids about it. The best story I have now is, “Ten years after terrorists attacked two NYC skyscrapers, a group of Navy Seals killed the guy who planned it. But we don’t know their names. That’s classified, kids.”

America needs to step it up. If we are going to be in debt, it might as well be because we XXXXXXXXXX. I don’t want to wait for another communist superpower to scare us into greatness.

Get with it, America.