Attached below is a story included in the Optimist’s annual Pessimist print edition. The Pessimist is published annually April 1 and includes entirely fake stories for satirical purposes.
It seems as though the 1982 Weather Girls song “It’s Raining Men” is coming true in the city of Abilene.
According to preliminary reports by a KTXS weatherman Shawn Bluesky, Abilene residents ought to expect college-aged men to fall from the sky starting around 11 a.m. going through 1:30 p.m. on Sunday. Despite the brevity of the event, Bluesky wants to make sure the city of Abilene is prepared for this storm.
“Whenever the winter storm came to the city in February, I felt as though a vast majority of the city was not prepared for the storm,” Bluesky said. “This time, I want people to be prepared, so I want to make sure I tell them as much as I know.”
All Bluesky knows about the Ring by Spring Showers at this point is that atmospheric pressure has seemed to create single, college-aged men looking for a wife. So much so, whenever they hit the ground, they will fall in love a propose to the first girl they see.
And according to the forecast, the storm will be at its strongest on ACU’s campus.
“It seems as though to revolve primarily around the campus of Abilene Christian,” said Bluesky. “Engagement season has arrived at many college campuses across the country, so it is not surprising this shower is centralizing in its area.”
The ACU student population has been filled with an arrangement of different emotions, from confusion to outright terror because of all the potential Instagram engagement posts. But the primary emotion is excitement.
“Personally, I’m really excited about this weather,” said Kaitlyn Johnson, a freshman business major from Lubbock. “I haven’t been able to find a boyfriend since I’ve been at ACU, so this seems like the perfect opportunity.”
Others looking forward to these showers have reportedly said this might be God’s way of opening up a door for marriage.
“I have not been able to find the man God has chosen for me while at ACU,” said Emilee Roberts, a sophomore nursing major from Dallas. “Maybe this is God’s way of bringing him into my life.”
In preparation for the showers, multiple sororities and their officer teams have prepared to celebrate their sisters’ quick engagements.
“We are so excited to celebrate our sisters who will be starting the next chapter of their lives,” said Lauren Gumm, president of GATA. “Though there are a lot of girls that will probably get engaged this weekend, keeping us very busy, it will be so great to celebrate them in a very special way.”
Since this might be a once-in-a-lifetime event, Bluesky encouraged people to try to enjoy the moment, no matter their relationship status. But he also warned people to stay safe and be wary of the men falling from the sky.
“Though this will be an incredible phenomenon to witness, observers must be wary,” Bluesky said. “One would not desire to be hit by the men falling from the sky, since they are traveling at an extremely high velocity.”