In the biggest Academy Awards drama since “The Slap,” ACU starting quarterback Maverick McIvor received two Oscars instead of the film, Top Gun: Maverick. With the surprising win, Maverick joins the company of elite Hollywood talent in earning the most prestigious and sought-after award in the film industry. “I did not expect to hear Jimmy Kimmel ... [Read More…]
PESSIMIST: Study shows Optimist Sing Song predictions are 98% accurate
A recent study shows that The Optimist correctly predicts Sing Song place outcomes at around 98% on a yearly basis. The Optimist, the most trusted source on pre-competition Sing Song rankings, has a complicated, multi-step ranking process that has taken years to perfect. According to Hal Hoots, Optimist Contributor, the process is top-secret and ... [Read More…]
PESSIMIST: ACU ‘Open’ Forum banned from Facebook; Regroups on Truth Social
Facebook recently banned the Facebook group “ACU Open Forum” for violating Community Standards. Admins of the group have reorganized and created a new profile on Former President Donald Trump’s social media platform Truth Social under the name “Make ACU Christian Again.” The group was kicked off Facebook for spreading misinformation. Although ... [Read More…]
PESSIMIST: Residence Life charging rent to feral cats, forced to relocate
ACU is struggling to find solutions to pay for the rest of the construction process causing on-campus housing costs to rise with NEXT Lab and Wessel Hall coming to completion. However, ACU residence life has found a solution in our furry friends on campus. The Feral Cat Initiative will begin charging rent to the cats on campus every semester to ... [Read More…]
PESSIMIST: Cyrus Eaton blinds students with ankles, prompts dress code change
Parents and students alike are calling for a dress code change following a blinding incident involving Cyrus Eaton’s ankles. The students were transported to a local medical facility and are expected to regain at least partial sight in the coming months. Parents of the students took to Facebook, blasting the university for the hemline ... [Read More…]
PESSIMIST: HR announces change of faculty compensation to NFTs
The Human Resources department is switching all staff payments to NFTs according to a memo sent to faculty earlier this week. The department wants to help faculty diversify their crypto portfolio. The images on the NFTs being sent out are rotating, so it's a surprise which NFT the faulty members will get every week. "It's like a fun game for ... [Read More…]
PESSIMIST: IM sees Republican vs. Democrat revolt against socialist referees
The College Republicans and College Democrat students seem to only agree on one thing; the socialist referees from the Young Democratic Socialists of America chapter need to take a side. The Republicans and Democrats went head to head on Saturday in the intramural football game of a lifetime. The Republicans took a strong lead in the first half, ... [Read More…]
PESSIMIST: NEXT Lab construction delayed after Brown, McFly steal plutonium, inadvertently discover time travel
The Nuclear Energy Experimental Testing Lab, or NEXT Lab, will see further delays after two time-traveling individuals were captured on security cameras taking plutonium from the lab last Thursday. This was the third delay that the NEXT Lab has seen when trying to secure equipment and resources. Head police detective Biff Tannen said that this ... [Read More…]
Badger drops libel lawsuit against athletics, basketball
Attached below is a story included in the Optimist’s annual Pessimist print edition. The Pessimist is published annually April 1 and includes entirely fake stories for satirical purposes. In another victory for the Athletic Department, Stephen the Badger, who sued the men’s basketball program for defamation, has dropped all suits. This comes ... [Read More…]
CAB to host second annual Whip and Nae Nae Contest in Central Plant
Attached below is a story included in the Optimist’s annual Pessimist print edition. The Pessimist is published annually April 1 and includes entirely fake stories for satirical purposes. Students will be whipping and nae naeing at 11 p.m. on April 15 inside the ACU Central Plant on campus. Last fall, students participated in the first-ever ... [Read More…]