The NBA lockout will have great effects on our nation. Effects which will span much more than sports.
A quick hypothetical study reveals that if players and owners can not compromise and bring this great game back to our courts, the United States will fall into disrepair.
NBA players will soon begin to drift towards European leagues. Lebron James will likely “take his talents” down to some French beach to play for a team of pencil mustachioed ballers who can not le dunk. Dirk Nowitzki will return to Germany where he can complain about calls in his native language. And Mark Cuban will only be left to exchange his millions for stacks of Euros.
At least we won’t have to watch Michael Jordan advocate the Hanes ComfortSoft waistband any longer.
By 2013, almost every 6’6″ man with a smooth baseline jumper will have emigrated overseas. In an attempt to settle, owners will clearly be forced lower their expectations and offer incredible salaries to the expatriate players.
However, these former American stars will have since fallen in love with driving their Lamborghini’s on the left, the alluring accents of foreign women and maybe even the lack of open container laws. They will deny the offer, choosing to stay put in their “flats” and reap the benefits of universal healthcare.
In an effort to follow their idols, college ball players will doubtlessly forgo the Duke Blue Devils for studying Classics at Oxford. Any memory of college basketball will soon seem as far off as a talented Houston Rockets team.
While this will most likely lead Dick Vitale out of the country, this is a small reward for the consequences soon to materialize.
After the fifth consecutive cancelled season, TNT will be forced to fill the gap left by the NBA with more single-female-cop-who-doesn’t-play-by-the-rules dramas. These played out plot lines will unquestionably drive audiences to rioting around the nation. The epicenter of turmoil and tumult will most likely be Los Angeles, where locals have gone stir crazy without the ability to pompously parade about their love for the otherwise hated Lakers.
The nation will begin to decay and the NBA lockout could prove the turning point in our great country’s history.
While none of this can be guaranteed, it is clearly the obvious sequence of events as we enter November without 12-foot fade-aways, textbook passes and the opportunity to laugh at Charles Barkley as he attempts to pronounce words. This could very well be our future.
However, after watching their dating pool flee via British Air, the entire Kardashian clan can soon be expected to stamp those passports.
Totally worth it.
