Dear next door neighbor to the left (stage left, the one who seems to be very against “soliciting”),
It has been a couple months since I moved in and, to be honest, you have been great. You’re quiet like a mouse. Or a family who’s children left them years ago for bigger and better things. You don’t complain about my roommate’s double parked truck or our 3 a.m. Arrested Development marathons. Most importantly, you serve as a buffer between our raging house parties and the ACU professor who lives two houses down. For those things, we love you.
However, recently I have had some bones to pick with your Christmas display. Don’t get me wrong, I love Jesus like a skinny kid loves looking at cake. I rejoice in the chance to turn the filthy haze of finals week into a sugar-filled season of try-to-avoid-a-one-on-one-with-Uncle-Steve. And I still can’t hear Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer without getting the urge to yell “LIKE A LIGHTBULB!”
The problem is that your front yard exhibition doesn’t exactly convey Christmas spirit. It does communicate your inherent tackiness and excessively high electricity bill. It also says “I enjoy blinding drivers and providing a retina-burning beacon for the mailman.” But it definitely doesn’t say Christmas spirit.
Your overzealously strewn lights suffocate the 6-foot tall “Season’s Greetings” snow globe. I can only wish the mechanical reindeer would gallop back to Walmart’s seasonal aisle. Your wacky wavy inflatable arm elf would feel more in place at a North Pole car dealership. (BEST DEALS ON SLEIGHS! SUNDAY! SUNDAY! SUNDAY!)
Basically, none of these things belong in your yard.
May I suggest something more in the spirit of the season. Give me a classy nativity scene. Give me a touch of white, dangling lights. Heck, if you feel the need you can even let your wooden Santa watch our Lord’s birth from behind the wisemen. But only if he brought a gift. (And no socks. Jesus is a sandals man.)
I would much rather you decorate with the indifference of an End-of-Semester Chapel Survey than vomit a 12,000 watt light show on to the front of your suburban dwelling.
So your options? Simple as this: turn it down or class it up. I’ve enjoyed living next to you these past months. Lets not make December different.