The Optimist
  • Home
  • About
    • Advertise
    • Policies
    • Staff Contacts
    • Jobs
  • News
  • Sports
  • Opinion
    • Columns
    • Editorials
  • Multimedia
    • Photo Galleries
    • Videos
  • Features
  • Print Edition
    • The Pessimist
    • Special Projects
  • Police Log
  • Classifieds
You are here: Home / Pessimist / PESSIMIST: NEXT Lab construction delayed after Brown, McFly steal plutonium, inadvertently discover time travel

PESSIMIST: NEXT Lab construction delayed after Brown, McFly steal plutonium, inadvertently discover time travel

March 23, 2023 by Special Contributor

The Nuclear Energy Experimental Testing Lab, or NEXT Lab, will see further delays after two time-traveling individuals were captured on security cameras taking plutonium from the lab last Thursday. This was the third delay that the NEXT Lab has seen when trying to secure equipment and resources.

Head police detective Biff Tannen said that this may have been a pre-meditated crime.

“This was likely a planned and well-organized attack,” Tannen said.

While the security camera footage is still a part of the ongoing investigation, Mayor Goldie Wilson says that the perpetrators were caught in 4k and will be facing charges.

The suspects identified are none other than Doctor Emmett ‘Doc’ Brown and Marty McFly. The two have been caught doing illegal things on ACU campus before, such as littering, failing to say “Go Wildcats” when prompted and skipping praise Fridays.

When the two were asked about their plans from the night of the incident, McFly claimed he was out with his girlfriend Jennifer Parker, and Brown stated that he “turned [himself] into a pickle” to avoid going to family therapy.

Brown also states that allegedly, if he were to be the one that stole the plutonium, he would have “kept it a secret because [he] doesn’t want the world to know that [he] invented time travel.”

Brown asked that officers not search his house, as it might contain lethal doses of radioactivity, further increasing ACUPD’s suspicion of the subject.

Dr. Phil Schubert, president of the university, commented on the crime.

“Man, we are just trying to do some nerd research, but I guess now we can take claim to helping invent time travel. Mission accomplished, I guess?”

The two will go on trial next June to prove their case; if we don’t see them, we can conclude that they must have gone back to the future.

Filed Under: Pessimist

Other Pessimist:

  • PESSIMIST: Lego joins SGA to piece together Wessel kit

  • PESSIMIST: Fake News: Trump blames the Bean for missing campus cats

  • PESSIMIST: Fuzzy’s curse strikes Athletics once again

About Special Contributor

You are here: Home / Pessimist / PESSIMIST: NEXT Lab construction delayed after Brown, McFly steal plutonium, inadvertently discover time travel

Other Pessimist:

  • PESSIMIST: Lego joins SGA to piece together Wessel kit

  • PESSIMIST: Fake News: Trump blames the Bean for missing campus cats

  • PESSIMIST: Fuzzy’s curse strikes Athletics once again

Follow us online

  • Facebook
  • Instagram
  • Twitter
  • YouTube

Optimist on Twitter

acuoptimist The Optimist @acuoptimist ·
2 Dec

BREAKING: The internet is now up and running after a short campus-wide outage.

Reply on Twitter 1863647460322640102 Retweet on Twitter 1863647460322640102 Like on Twitter 1863647460322640102 1 Twitter 1863647460322640102
acuoptimist The Optimist @acuoptimist ·
7 Nov

The Optimist and ACUTV partnered together to produce a 3-hour live election show on Tuesday night. A team of 25 students worked for weeks preparing while doing research and interviews with guests like Dr. Phil Schubert and Rep. Stan Lambert.

Reply on Twitter 1854352279605817812 Retweet on Twitter 1854352279605817812 2 Like on Twitter 1854352279605817812 9 Twitter 1854352279605817812

Optimist on Facebook

The Optimist

10 months ago

The Optimist

Video

View on Facebook
· Share

Share on Facebook Share on Twitter Share on Linked In Share by Email

The Optimist

1 years ago

The Optimist
"Ending my college education early was always the plan for me, but the things that I have been able to see, experience and examine about ACU’s community were not. I have found immense growth in ACU over the past three and a half years, but ACU still has a long road to climb if it wants to keep catering to students as the world changes around them." To read more of this article visit acuoptimist ... See MoreSee Less

Photo

View on Facebook
· Share

Share on Facebook Share on Twitter Share on Linked In Share by Email

Videos

Optimist Newscast Feb. 28, 2024

Our top stories today include a recap of The Musical Comedy Murders of 1940, the ... [Read More…]

  • Optimist Newscast Feb. 21, 2024
  • Optimist Newscast Feb. 14, 2024
  • Optimist Newscast Jan. 24, 2024

Latest Photos

1
2
3
4
5
PrevNext
  • Home
  • About
    • Contact
    • Subscribe
    • Policies
    • Advertising Policy
    • Letters to the Editor and Reader Comments
  • News
  • Sports
  • Opinion
    • Columns
    • Editorials
  • Multimedia
    • Videos
    • Photo Galleries
  • Features
  • Advertise
    • Paid Advertisement
  • Police Log

© 2025 ACU Optimist · All Rights Reserved