Chaos erupted on campus last week after a surprise stop by President Donald Trump, where he made a shocking claim during his speech in front of Moody.

“They’re eating the dogs, they’re eating the cats,” Trump said while pointing to the bean. “It’s terrible! Just terrible! Worse than China.” 

The ACU Feral Cat Initiative immediately issued a statement denying the accusations. 

“We have not, nor will we ever, sell the campus cats to the Bean’s stir-fry station,” said the FCI. “We assure you that all missing cats are safe and totally not in a teriyaki bowl.”

However, President Trump doubled down.

“It was a big sign, such a big big sign folks,” Trump said. “Mystery Meat Mondays! Only Sleepy Joe would eat such a thing.”

Naturally, the campus panicked. Longtime bean worker Ms. Gulu said people have come demanding answers.

“Some girl came up crying last night asking, ‘Did I just eat Tom?’” 

Meanwhile, campus police raided the kitchen. In a statement issued, they said they found nothing except an unfortunate tofu shipment labeled “Feral Tuna” due to a printing error by the supplier named “Fresh Tuna.”

President Trump remained unconvinced. 

“Look, I know cats,” Trump said. “I’ve had the best cats, three really good ones. After getting rid of the first two, I didn’t lose much money, by the way. I decided to start a kitty shelter with a much bigger sign than the Bean’s saying ‘Grab the cat below.’”

ACU has since installed signs outside the bean, reassuring students that “No Cats Were Harmed in the Making of This Food.” Meanwhile, President Schubert offered Trump a free meal at the Bean to prove its integrity. Trump declined. 

“I only eat at places with golden arches, but I’ll come get a Diet Coke.”