In a groundbreaking move aimed at fostering a more inclusive campus environment, ResLife has announced the construction of a new dormitory specifically designed for the beloved campus cats. This innovative project, the first of its kind in higher education, aims to provide a safe and comfortable living space for the feline companions who have ... [Read More…]
PESSIMIST: Feral Cats Raid Starbucks
Feral cats raided the Margarett and Herman Brown Library Starbucks the Thursday night before Easter. According to student workers, the staff had followed protocol in closing the cafe. In preparation for the upcoming holiday weekend, they took extra measures in cleaning the facility and restocking supplies for re-opening on Monday. It looked like ... [Read More…]
PESSIMIST: The Bean’s new “Girl Dinner” diet option sparks controversy on campus
The Bean has always prided itself on offering a variety of nutritious and satisfying meal options for students. However, a recent addition to the menu has sparked controversy and raised eyebrows across campus: the introduction of the "Girl Dinner" diet option. The "Girl Dinner" diet option, unveiled with much fanfare, promises a light and ... [Read More…]
PESSIMIST: After seeing Barbie, Phil Schubert embraces his Kenergy
In a surprising turn of events, University President Dr. Phil Schubert has undergone a remarkable transformation inspired by an unexpected muse: Ken from Barbie. What started as a casual movie night with his daughter quickly turned into a journey of self-discovery for the university president. It all began when President Schubert found himself ... [Read More…]
PESSIMIST: Quarterback Maverick McIvor receives two Oscars after Academy Awards mixup
In the biggest Academy Awards drama since “The Slap,” ACU starting quarterback Maverick McIvor received two Oscars instead of the film, Top Gun: Maverick. With the surprising win, Maverick joins the company of elite Hollywood talent in earning the most prestigious and sought-after award in the film industry. “I did not expect to hear Jimmy Kimmel ... [Read More…]
PESSIMIST: Study shows Optimist Sing Song predictions are 98% accurate
A recent study shows that The Optimist correctly predicts Sing Song place outcomes at around 98% on a yearly basis. The Optimist, the most trusted source on pre-competition Sing Song rankings, has a complicated, multi-step ranking process that has taken years to perfect. According to Hal Hoots, Optimist Contributor, the process is top-secret and ... [Read More…]
PESSIMIST: ACU ‘Open’ Forum banned from Facebook; Regroups on Truth Social
Facebook recently banned the Facebook group “ACU Open Forum” for violating Community Standards. Admins of the group have reorganized and created a new profile on Former President Donald Trump’s social media platform Truth Social under the name “Make ACU Christian Again.” The group was kicked off Facebook for spreading misinformation. Although ... [Read More…]
PESSIMIST: Residence Life charging rent to feral cats, forced to relocate
ACU is struggling to find solutions to pay for the rest of the construction process causing on-campus housing costs to rise with NEXT Lab and Wessel Hall coming to completion. However, ACU residence life has found a solution in our furry friends on campus. The Feral Cat Initiative will begin charging rent to the cats on campus every semester to ... [Read More…]
PESSIMIST: Cyrus Eaton blinds students with ankles, prompts dress code change
Parents and students alike are calling for a dress code change following a blinding incident involving Cyrus Eaton’s ankles. The students were transported to a local medical facility and are expected to regain at least partial sight in the coming months. Parents of the students took to Facebook, blasting the university for the hemline ... [Read More…]
PESSIMIST: HR announces change of faculty compensation to NFTs
The Human Resources department is switching all staff payments to NFTs according to a memo sent to faculty earlier this week. The department wants to help faculty diversify their crypto portfolio. The images on the NFTs being sent out are rotating, so it's a surprise which NFT the faulty members will get every week. "It's like a fun game for ... [Read More…]