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Lord Voldemort claims his “return” includes a hostile takeover of the College of Business Administration. Harry Potter, last seen trying to fulfill a chapel credit, was unavailable for comment. (Image courtesy of a campus security crystal ball)

PESSIMIST: Voldemort takes over COBA in “hostile muggle merger”

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After years of searching for a major donor, the College of Business Administration has finally secured a name. Unfortunately, it’s one no one is allowed to say out loud.

Enter: The College That Shall Not Be Named.

Voldemort has officially taken control of the College of Business Administration. The Dark Lord arrived last Monday at 8:04 a.m., disapparated into the dean’s office, and declared a “hostile merger” with what he called “the most power-hungry department on campus.” Within minutes, signage was replaced, syllabi were charred and the college was officially rebranded as the Voldemort College of Business Administration (VCOBA), a name he claims “better reflects the school’s commitment to fear-based leadership and ethically questionable success.”

“Business is power. Power is control. And control is … market share,” Voldemort hissed, addressing a stunned BUSA 120 class while casually turning a whiteboard into a snake. “Also, I needed somewhere with free printing.”

Former VCOBA Dean Dr. Mike Willoughby was reportedly thrown out of the second-floor conference room after refusing to sign a magically binding noncompete agreement written in Parseltongue.

“I thought I was prepared for anything,” Willoughby said, brushing ash off his blazer. “I’ve dealt with budget cuts, enrollment dips, even a student who tried to pitch a Shark Tank idea during Chapel. But I was not trained for this.”

The faculty responded with mixed emotions. Dr. Katie Wick, associate professor of management and wearer of exactly zero enchanted cloaks, expressed concern.

“We’re adapting as best we can,” Wick said. “He’s rebranded management as ‘Dark Arts of Influence’ and finance as ‘Cursed Wealth Acquisition.’ Honestly, the new org chart just screams chaos.”

According to an internal memo delivered by owl, the new curriculum under Voldemort’s leadership includes the following renamed programs:

  • Accounting → Dark Arts of Number Manipulation

  • Business Administration → Fundamentals of Ruthless Ambition

  • Computer Science → Enchanted Algorithmic Warfare

  • Digital Entertainment Technology → Illusion & Propaganda Engineering

  • Finance → Cursed Wealth Acquisition

  • Information Systems → Sorcerer Surveillance & Data Domination

  • Management → Dark Arts of Influence & Obedience

  • Marketing → Mass Manipulation & Branding Hexes

While some students have since switched majors, others seem unfazed by the change.

“Honestly, it’s kinda chill,” said sophomore finance major Alecto Carrow. “He gave a lecture on ‘ethics as a liability,’ and I think he made some solid points. Plus, we get out early if someone faints from fear.”

“I thought business was supposed to be easy,” said Seamus Finnigan, who recently changed his major to psychology. “But after Voldemort turned my group project into a blood pact, I decided to switch to the second easiest major instead.”

Voldemort has also updated VCOBA’s career development mission to “prepare students for soul-sucking careers in global domination, wealth extraction and corporate sorcery.”

His top internship partners now include BlackRock, Lockheed Martin and Gringotts’ Experimental Asset Acquisition Division.

At press time, Voldemort was seen installing a throne made of course catalogs in the VCOBA atrium and muttering about launching a new MBA track: Master of Business Annihilation.

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