By Denton Josey, Features Editor

“Coed.”

I almost gave up on you.

Usually this word signifies a great idea will follow. I used to think it was one of the best words, right up there with “free” and “buffet.”

But there is a limit.

According to the Boston Globe, some universities and colleges up north are going “gender-neutral” with their bathrooms. Oh, dear. This means everyone-guys and girls-use the same bathrooms.

At Emerson College, the most recent school to implement this, David Haden, the associate dean of housing and residence life, said, “I am all in favor of supporting students and their expressions. Having gender-neutral bathrooms doesn’t take anything away from anyone; it just gives students more options.”

I don’t know what Dean Haden is thinking, but “more options” in the bathroom sounds like a horrible idea. Unless if by “options” he meant “a crazy-high amount of opportunities for everyone to get embarrassed so much their social lives may never fully recover.”

I don’t have much against girls. Typically, they smell good, and I really appreciate that. Still, I don’t want to see the feet in the stall next to me in cute flip-flops with a bird tattoo and painted nails.

Well, not to be left behind, we have this at ACU as well. Check out the bathroom in McDonald Hall. It is the only bathroom available for students taking classes there in a small corner of the building. It has showers. It has many stalls. And they are for everyone.

I can’t help but think about the awkwardness this is going to cause.

See, as it stands, my propensity for finding myself in awkward situations is already so overwhelmingly strong I’m beginning to think it is my superpower. I just don’t know how to use it for my own good. I may not save lives, but if you ever happen to say or do something really stupid and I walk by, just get my attention and immediately all the awkwardness will be gone. And whomever you just made things weird with will look at me with all the disdain you should have received.

Since this is a problem I deal with already, I’m trying to be proactive and defeat on the front end this latest harbinger of doom known as coed bathrooms.

My roommate, Justin Sims, told me about Bluetooth technology that can take music from your iPod or cell phone and, when you walk by, play it through the speakers in your house. This is a perfect solution to preventing the awkward epidemic that is bound to descend upon our campus if more bathrooms go coed.

Here’s how it will work: music rocks. Ever been to Disney World? They have thousands of fake rocks that play music throughout the park. ACU is pretty hip; why not put them all over campus and sync them with our cell phones? This already happens anyway; ever walked through the library and heard that little noise when you walk through?

Now, it may look a little out of place, having rocks in the bathroom, but I contend a girl in the stall next to me is even more messed up. With the music rocks synced with everyone’s cell phones, I’d hear when females were coming.

Not only would this provide the soundtrack to life people always talk about, but this would also help in some subtle profiling. If someone walks by and good music starts playing from nearby rocks, well, it is probably the start of a beautiful friendship. Conversely, if you think someone is cute, but then they walk by and some heinous music starts playing, well, the rocks just saved you some wasted time and maybe even a lame date.

There you have it, ACU, the awkwardness has been averted and “coed” is still a happy word.