The internet is one of the defining tools of our generation. For years now it has helped people to learn, communicate and view their friends summer vacation pictures from 2007.
But the world wide web brings many dangers to our screens. Online games let you put bullets in a zombie’s cerebrum or lose $1,200 to a 15-year-old in Blackjack.
There is always something to watch, whether it is F.R.I.E.N.D.S. (The One Where Phoebe is Unrealistically Dim) or the most recent Ryan Gosling film (he is putting them out like hotcakes). Cat videos are uploaded to YouTube faster than you can watch them while eating cereal in bed.
However, the true hazard of the internet is shopping. Created thousands of years ago by Neanderthal women attempting to find the best deals on animal hides (NOTE: not a history major), shopping has now been revolutionized by the internet. Never before have we been able to buy boxers while in just our boxers.
Ebay lets my competitive side battle to pay six bucks for a ceramic Betty Boop. Urban Outfitters convinces me that once I pull that green striped sweater over my head I will have the jawline of a hipster model. Etsy enables me to shop for vintage and handmade things without having to dig through some old lady’s garage sale at 7 a.m.
My personal weakness, Amazon Prime, gives me free two day shipping on everything. Let me tell you, knowing that you can buy something and have it at your door in two days for free is a dangerous game. Sometimes I question whether I should go to the grocery store because, hey, I can have those Golden OREO’s and microwavable pizzas delivered to my door.
The internet turns my living room into a Best Buy, my bedroom into a Walmart and my bathroom, well, it is still just a bathroom. And I am still sharing it with three guys.
The worst part about online shopping is that money never physically leaves my wallet and I never have to lift a finger to swipe a card. Checking my bank account just puts big bold numbers on screen that disappoint me about as much as the lazy river in the Rec Center. Fifteen feet is not long enough for me to get comfortable in an inner tube.
But really, internet shopping is completely worth it. The convenience of clicking a button to get stuff and the excitement of waiting for the mailman may just barely outweigh online shopping’s addictive and expensive nature.
I can put packages in my mailbox, clothes in my closet and zeros in my bank account. But I can accept that as easily as I can accept those charges. Now to just wait five to seven days.
