Students of Abilene,
Despite our three universities, the phrase “college town” does not immediately conjure up thoughts of the Key City, most likely due to our downtown-closes-at-9 attitude. Areas like Austin, Dallas or Lubbock are the true youth-friendly locales. We need this to change. So I petition we do something.
We must become a literal college town.
By that I mean a town solely owned, operated and inhabited by post-puberty, pre-adulthood men and women. I mean a city that caters to our every need because it is more for-us-by-us than a matching blue and yellow sweat suit. I mean a place where even Sherlock Holmes could not sniff out the scent of a single senior citizen.
So I implore you, students of Hardin-Simmons and McMurry, abandon your false gods and join us in making this city ours. Together, we can immensely improve the Big Country by ousting anyone old enough to remember when there wasn’t an Internet.
Classmates, you seem a little hesitant to raise your torches and pitchforks and chase soup-kitchen-volunteering-grandmothers and crew-cut-with-a-touch-of-gray-business-men out of town. So I offer the benefits.
Have you been looking for a job? Good news: 100,000 positions just opened up. Take your pick. You could work the checkout counter at Bed, Bath and Beyond or even as a real estate agent in our town’s soon-to-be-wide-open housing market. And remember, the kids are gone, too. So when you are done greeting people at the entrance of Walmart, there is nothing standing in the way of a little swing time.
The Student’s Association would become the city council. People might care more now that they are in charge of things bigger than the structure of meal plans.
Some of you may worry what we will do without professors. Simple. Graduate assistants will teach all classes. I don’t know about you, but all of my GA’s have been knowledgeable and helpful. They do much more than just grade papers and play Angry Birds.
As you leave your classes, which would begin after lunch, you could return to your recently abandoned, fully furnished houses for some good ol’ collegiate fun. Lines will be shorter and drives will be quicker after kicking out our leisurely-natured preceding generation.
Some may fear our new lack of infrastructure, but I contend that all will be fine. With all the 30-something meth addicts gone, we won’t need police. When it comes to medical emergencies, I will gladly forgo a 40 year-old who has physically deteriorated in two decades of grad school in favor of the youthful precision of a pre-med student. And as for a fire department, we are the only generation that rightfully appreciates the gleaming glory of a little blaze. I say let ’em burn.
Students, now that you have been sufficiently convinced, we must begin chasing them out as soon as possible. The elderly and the children will be easy, you can pretty much talk them into anything. However, we must unite to defeat those middle aged men and women who have ordered us around our whole lives and now plan to use the welfare money that we rightfully earned working night shifts last summer.
If we are willing to work together and get our hands dirty, we could quickly shave this city’s average age down to the mid-20’s. Only then will we no longer simply live in Abilene.
We will live in the college town.