“Thank you for calling the Sears’ Christmas Gift Return Service Hotline. Due to an overwhelming amount of customer gift returns this holiday season we have automated the return process in order to save you time and quell the recent assaults on Customer Service team members. (R.I.P. Tony M. from the Omaha Sears)

“Please signify the type of useless, poorly thought out or inappropriate gift you were given by your estranged, unoriginal or just plain clueless family members.”

“If you received a gift intended for the opposite gender, please say “Yes.”

“I’m sorry, we could not understand your request. Please say “Yes” once more but slightly louder and with a hint of irritation in your voice.”

“I’m sorry, we could not understand your request. Please yell ‘DO YOU NOT SPEAK ENGLISH YOU COLD, LIFELESS MACHINE? I SAID YES!'”

“On second thought, we will just use the keypad. Please select the number that corresponds to the gift you intend to return.”

“If you would rather receive a store credit of $13.27 than spend the next 11 months pretending that the board game Aunt Mae got you is fun, please enter “1.”

“If you would like to return any Dallas Cowboys memorabilia due to a general disappointment in the franchise, please enter “2,” signifying the amount of playoff games they have won in the last 15 years.”

“If you would like to return an article of clothing that either drapes over your body like a Dalípainting or restricts blood flow to your main arteries, please enter the amount of pounds you would have to lose or gain for your grandmother’s sweater to even remotely fit.”

“If you would like to return a handmade gift from your crafty aunt, too bad, smile and pretend you like it. She made that with love, you heartless materialist.”

“If you would like to return to a simpler time when Christmas was more about Jesus, family and avoiding cholera, please enter the year you wish to return to.”

“And finally, if you would like to return to school to avoid the political discussion about to ensue between two uncles who are four deep on the eggnog, well, that’s up to you.”