As the school year comes to an end, reflections and meditations on our institution of education are a necessity. These reflections inevitably lead to an internal list of improvements ACU could make that we have graciously decided to document for the posterity of this magnificent university.

Our first suggestion is that GATA Fountain be given a make-over. The fountain is an eyesore likely contaminated with infectious diseases and dish soap. On an otherwise beautiful campus, the fountain stands out as a monument to unsanitary ugliness. What could be a beautiful water-works display is instead a fountain of tears that should be renovated.

In order to promote genuine community between students, there also needs to be a policy that students do not give fellow students parking tickets. There are people who live in the shadows, tailing cars and waiting for the perfect opportunity to slap them with a fine and that should not be the definition of the ACU difference. These traitors should be stopped so that ACU students can rest at peace knowing that if they do get a ticket, it wasn’t their peers giving it to them.

Going off of this theme of student interaction, something needs to be done about visitation hours, namely they should be done away with completely. Allowing visitation one night a week is worse than allowing it every night of the week because it creates unrealistic expectations of male-female interaction. It would be better for everyone if these relationships were not allowed to bloom within the confines of ACU’s hallowed dorms.

It’s obvious that Chapel isn’t going anywhere but the system needs to be updated so that Chapel exemptions are fair. Students who don’t have class before 11 a.m. are only required to get 12 credits while full time students in difficult majors who have legitimate conflicts during this hour are still required to get as many as 48. This inconsistency rewards laziness and punishes those with busy schedules and should be remedied immediately.

Our final request is for the “fruit wall” of the library to cease to exist. Vandalism is not an ACU tradition and smashing fruit is an activity better left in an iPhone game. The people responsible for this destruction of property should be treated as the wasteful vagrants they are and fruit should remain in its proper place: sitting in baskets in the Bean.

We the people humbly submit these requests to ACU for consideration and prayer. As students ourselves, we recognize that we are the sole experts on the intimate details of life at ACU and should be the guiding lights for ACU’s decisions. You’re welcome for providing this guidance.