Attached below is a story included in the Optimist’s annual Pessimist print edition. The Pessimist is published annually April 1 and includes entirely fake stories for satirical purposes.
Dr. Phil Schubert, president of the university, said in a campus-wide email that he’s been informed COVID-19 is no match to his own words.
“Hey Wildcats. I just wanted to let our incredible faculty, staff and students know that I’ve been working behind the scenes to keep the coronavirus away from as many people as possible on our campus this semester,” Schubert said. “This virus has impacted so many people across the world, but I’ll make sure I do my part to keep everyone safe.”
In completely reliable information obtained by the Optimist, Schubert has been quoted saying, “Hey Wildcats” 1,968 times in the past three months by the local community.
Schubert said that every time he would say “Hey Wildcats,” active cases would drop at ACU.
“I know it sounds a bit crazy, but that’s exactly the kind of crazy we need on campus,” Schubert said. “Just know that we’ll be taking the fight to the virus now.”
The virus was last spotted leaving the university and headed towards the Siggie Social afterparty.
“The new vaccines and so much social distancing has made things difficult for us. Then Schubert became another problem for us,” the virus said. “I’m just glad we got a chance to catch up with some students off campus.”
The university estimates that Schubert has saved countless lives by his numerous emails to campus that start with “Hey Wildcats” every single time.
Schubert said that he wanted to deliver a statement to the ACU community about where the university will be headed going forward:
“Hey Wildcats. Hey Wildcats. Hey Wildcats. Hey Wildcats. Hey Wildcats. Hey Wildcats. Hey Wildcats. Hey Wildcats. Hey Wildcats. Hey Wildcats. Hey Wildcats. Hey Wildcats. Hey Wildcats. Hey Wildcats. Hey Wildcats. Hey Wildcats. Hey Wildcats. Hey Wildcats. Hey Wildcats. Hey Wildcats. Hey Wildcats. Hey Wildcats. Hey Wildcats. Hey Wildcats. Hey Wildcats. Hey Wildcats. Hey Wildcats. Hey Wildcats. Hey Wildcats. Hey Wildcats. Hey Wildcats. Hey Wildcats. Hey Wildcats. Hey Wildcats. Hey Wildcats. Hey Wildcats. Hey Wildcats. Hey Wildcats. Hey Wildcats. Hey Wildcats. Hey Wildcats. Hey Wildcats. Hey Wildcats. Hey Wildcats. Hey Wildcats. Hey Wildcats. Hey Wildcats. Hey Wildcats. Hey Wildcats. Hey Wildcats. Hey Wildcats. Hey Wildcats. Hey Wildcats. Hey Wildcats. Hey Wildcats. Hey Wildcats. Hey Wildcats. Hey Wildcats. Hey Wildcats. Hey Wildcats. Hey Wildcats. Hey Wildcats. Hey Wildcats. Hey Wildcats. Hey Wildcats. Hey Wildcats. Hey Wildcats. Hey Wildcats. Hey Wildcats. Hey Wildcats. Hey Wildcats. Hey Wildcats. Hey Wildcats. Hey Wildcats. Hey Wildcats. Hey Wildcats. Hey Wildcats. Hey Wildcats. Hey Wildcats. Hey Wildcats. Hey Wildcats. Hey Wildcats. Hey Wildcats. Hey Wildcats. Hey Wildcats. Hey Wildcats. Hey Wildcats. Hey Wildcats. Hey Wildcats. Hey Wildcats. Hey Wildcats. Hey Wildcats. Hey Wildcats. Hey Wildcats. Hey Wildcats. Hey Wildcats. Hey Wildcats. Hey Wildcats. Hey Wildcats. Hey Wildcats. Hey Wildcats. Hey Wildcats. Hey Wildcats. Hey Wildcats. Hey Wildcats. Hey Wildcats. Hey Wildcats. Hey Wildcats. Hey Wildcats. Hey Wildcats. Hey Wildcats. Hey Wildcats.”
