Attached below is a story included in the Optimist’s annual Pessimist print edition. The Pessimist is published annually April 1 and includes entirely fake stories for satirical purposes.

 In another victory for the Athletic Department, Stephen the Badger, who sued the men’s basketball program for defamation, has dropped all suits. 

This comes after weeks long court proceedings that led to vicious battles in the courtroom between head coach Brette Tanner’s lawyer and Stephen the Badger’s lawyers. 

This has not only taken a toll on Tanner, but vice president for athletics Zack Lassiter. 

“This is the first time in athletics history we have been sued, let alone by a badger,” Lassiter said. “The process has been long and lengthy, but in the end, we are relieved that Mr. Stephen the Badger dropped the suit.” 

The suit came about at a press conference where Tanner talked about a story that inspired his players to snap their losing streak. 

In a dramatic locker room meeting, Tanner told the story of the badger and of his tenacity and persistence to never back down from the fight. 

After the press conference aired and went viral on the Internet, it was brought to the attention of Stephen the Badger, who, known among his badger friends, is a pacifist and peaceful individual. 

Angered by the confusion rising by his friends and being called a belligerent war-monger, he sued the basketball program for defamation. 

Though the suit seemed to be heading in the badger’s favor, everything changed by a name. 

It turns out that Tanner was not talking about Stephen the Badger, but rather Stoffel the Badger. 

With this revelation, the court effectively started shutting down the case, and ultimately out of guilt, Stephen the Badger dropped the case. 

“All I wanted to do is inspire my boys to get back to winning through Stoffel’s story,” Tanner said. 

“Obviously, this went in an very unforeseen direction, but I’m glad it all worked out.” 

We asked Stephen the Badger to comment on the failed suit and the confusion, but he did not answer our inquiries, since he is a badger.