Attached below is a story included in the Optimist’s annual Pessimist print edition. The Pessimist is published annually April 1 and includes entirely fake stories for satirical purposes.
After multiple sightings from football players, no one thought that the ghost of former head coach Adam Dorrel in Wildcat Stadium would never disappear.
According to reports, the ghostly presence of the former head coach was felt and seen every time football players entered the stadium. Sightings of the coach have continued for months, with players hearing the echoes of Dorrel’s screams in the locker room and seeing his ghostly apparition on the field with his clipboard and double glasses during workouts.
“Whenever Dorrel left in November, I thought I would never see him again,” said milk-loving quarterback and first witness to the ghost Peyton Mansell. “Then, I go to the field with my teammates to practice and there he is, looking right at me. I’ve never been more terrified my entire life.”
As the mediocre to pathetic football play became more prominent due to the ghost’s presence, it caught the attention of the athletics department and vice president for athletics Zack Lassiter.
“We decided almost immediately that we needed to take quick and decisive action to address this problem,” Lassiter said. “My staff and I talked and we quickly determined multiple courses of action.”
Some of those courses of action included calling in Cyrus Eaton to cleanse the field, enlisting the help of ghost hunters Shane Madej and Ryan Bergara and bringing in the real Ghostbusters themselves.
All of these attempts were to no avail and the pesky ghost stayed put.
“We were at a loss,” Lassiter said. “We had used so many resources to get this ghostly thorn out of our side but until now, nothing worked. The situation seemed hopeless.”
The problem unknown to him at the time, now head coach Keith Patterson saw the Ghostbusters leaving the stadium. Patterson asked Lassiter what was going on, and he was filled in.
With resolve and determination in his eyes, Patterson took the ghost equipment from the Ghostbusters and entered the stadium alone.
“I don’t know what came over me,” Patterson said. “I just walked into the stadium wanting to help this program in the best way possible. If that meant catching a ghost, I was going to catch a ghost.”
Soon, people near the stadium could hear the yells of the old coach and saw lightning flashes and sparks flying. Then suddenly it stopped. Patterson walked out of the stadium with a closed ghost trap in hand and inside it, the ghost of Adam Dorrell’s coaching career. Almost immediately, Lassiter offered him the new head coaching job position.
“The ghost came charging at me from left field, so I pointed the weird ghost device I got and pulled the trigger,” Patterson said.
“He seemed angry that I was there and I guess I can see why but it made him an easy target. Just like that he was in the trap and he will never return to haunt this football program again.”
Due to Patterson’s heroics, it seems that peace within the football program has returned, at least for now