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You are here: Home / Pessimist / PESSIMIST: NEXT Lab construction delayed after Brown, McFly steal plutonium, inadvertently discover time travel

PESSIMIST: NEXT Lab construction delayed after Brown, McFly steal plutonium, inadvertently discover time travel

March 23, 2023 by Special Contributor

The Nuclear Energy Experimental Testing Lab, or NEXT Lab, will see further delays after two time-traveling individuals were captured on security cameras taking plutonium from the lab last Thursday. This was the third delay that the NEXT Lab has seen when trying to secure equipment and resources.

Head police detective Biff Tannen said that this may have been a pre-meditated crime.

“This was likely a planned and well-organized attack,” Tannen said.

While the security camera footage is still a part of the ongoing investigation, Mayor Goldie Wilson says that the perpetrators were caught in 4k and will be facing charges.

The suspects identified are none other than Doctor Emmett ‘Doc’ Brown and Marty McFly. The two have been caught doing illegal things on ACU campus before, such as littering, failing to say “Go Wildcats” when prompted and skipping praise Fridays.

When the two were asked about their plans from the night of the incident, McFly claimed he was out with his girlfriend Jennifer Parker, and Brown stated that he “turned [himself] into a pickle” to avoid going to family therapy.

Brown also states that allegedly, if he were to be the one that stole the plutonium, he would have “kept it a secret because [he] doesn’t want the world to know that [he] invented time travel.”

Brown asked that officers not search his house, as it might contain lethal doses of radioactivity, further increasing ACUPD’s suspicion of the subject.

Dr. Phil Schubert, president of the university, commented on the crime.

“Man, we are just trying to do some nerd research, but I guess now we can take claim to helping invent time travel. Mission accomplished, I guess?”

The two will go on trial next June to prove their case; if we don’t see them, we can conclude that they must have gone back to the future.

Filed Under: Pessimist

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You are here: Home / Pessimist / PESSIMIST: NEXT Lab construction delayed after Brown, McFly steal plutonium, inadvertently discover time travel

Other Pessimist:

  • PESSIMIST: Lego joins SGA to piece together Wessel kit

  • PESSIMIST: Fake News: Trump blames the Bean for missing campus cats

  • PESSIMIST: Fuzzy’s curse strikes Athletics once again

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NEWS: Students can officially opt out of Wildcat Access program for the spring 2026 semester. The opt out period will run from today through Nov. 23.

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