Attached below is a story included in the Optimist’s annual Pessimist print edition. The Pessimist is published annually April 1 and includes entirely fake stories for satirical purposes.

Social club G*l*xy is planning to donate an on-campus goat farm in place of the Intramural Fields which are currently under construction. 

The fraternity announced last week they have bought out the NEXT Labs contract and are acquiring the intramural fields to create a goat farm. The fraternity said the money came primarily from alumni donations and that the addition to campus has no other reason than they think students would enjoy having goats around. 

“We’re so lucky to have alumni that support their fraternity and their university this much,” Chad Lucas, G*l*xy’s new farm director said. “This goat farm is an exciting opportunity for our club. It’s grand opening will be whenever we are allowed back on campus and we can’t wait to see everyones’ reactions.” 

The venture is said to be co-led by another men’s fraternity, Sub T-16, who will be supplying the goats. The goats have really no primary reason for being on campus but the fraternities said that, on occasion, they do have to make sure one isn’t missing. 

“We do have to count the goats every now and then to make sure one doesn’t come up missing,” Ethan Cash, Sub T-16’s designated goat counter, said. “Once and awhile one goes missing. There has been a slight uptick in goat theft in Abilene lately, but we’re doing our best to keep our goats safe.” 

The goats will be available for students on campus to visit and on occasion, may even be given to the grounds department to help speed up the landscaping process around campus. 

The goats said this about moving to their new on-campus home. 

“Bah bah baaah ba ba ba bahhh bah, bah bah, baaah bah bah,” Billy Goat the 23rd said. “Bahhh bahbah ba ba ba bahhhhhhhhh. Bah bah bah bah bah.”