The College Republicans and College Democrat students seem to only agree on one thing; the socialist referees from the Young Democratic Socialists of America chapter need to take a side. The Republicans and Democrats went head to head on Saturday in the intramural football game of a lifetime. The Republicans took a strong lead in the first half, ... [Read More…]
PESSIMIST: NEXT Lab construction delayed after Brown, McFly steal plutonium, inadvertently discover time travel
The Nuclear Energy Experimental Testing Lab, or NEXT Lab, will see further delays after two time-traveling individuals were captured on security cameras taking plutonium from the lab last Thursday. This was the third delay that the NEXT Lab has seen when trying to secure equipment and resources. Head police detective Biff Tannen said that this ... [Read More…]
Badger drops libel lawsuit against athletics, basketball
Attached below is a story included in the Optimist’s annual Pessimist print edition. The Pessimist is published annually April 1 and includes entirely fake stories for satirical purposes. In another victory for the Athletic Department, Stephen the Badger, who sued the men’s basketball program for defamation, has dropped all suits. This comes ... [Read More…]
CAB to host second annual Whip and Nae Nae Contest in Central Plant
Attached below is a story included in the Optimist’s annual Pessimist print edition. The Pessimist is published annually April 1 and includes entirely fake stories for satirical purposes. Students will be whipping and nae naeing at 11 p.m. on April 15 inside the ACU Central Plant on campus. Last fall, students participated in the first-ever ... [Read More…]
G*l*xy to fund IM Field goat farm
Attached below is a story included in the Optimist’s annual Pessimist print edition. The Pessimist is published annually April 1 and includes entirely fake stories for satirical purposes. Social club G*l*xy is planning to donate an on-campus goat farm in place of the Intramural Fields which are currently under construction. The fraternity ... [Read More…]
Patterson turns Ghostbuster to vanquish Dorrel’s spirit
Attached below is a story included in the Optimist’s annual Pessimist print edition. The Pessimist is published annually April 1 and includes entirely fake stories for satirical purposes. After multiple sightings from football players, no one thought that the ghost of former head coach Adam Dorrel in Wildcat Stadium would never ... [Read More…]
PESSIMIST: Abilene prepares for next historic weather event: Ring By Spring Showers
Attached below is a story included in the Optimist's annual Pessimist print edition. The Pessimist is published annually April 1 and includes entirely fake stories for satirical purposes. It seems as though the 1982 Weather Girls song "It's Raining Men" is coming true in the city of Abilene. According to preliminary reports by a KTXS ... [Read More…]
PESSIMIST: Schubert cures COVID-19 by saying, “Hey Wildcats”
Attached below is a story included in the Optimist's annual Pessimist print edition. The Pessimist is published annually April 1 and includes entirely fake stories for satirical purposes. Dr. Phil Schubert, president of the university, said in a campus-wide email that he's been informed COVID-19 is no match to his own words. "Hey Wildcats. I ... [Read More…]
PESSIMIST: Psychology Department introduces Enneagram major
Attached below is a story included in the Optimist's annual Pessimist print edition. The Pessimist is published annually April 1 and includes entirely fake stories for satirical purposes. The Department of Psychology is adding a new major based on the Enneagram personality test. The Enneagram is a faith-based personality profile that has ... [Read More…]